Love Is Not Enough
I am not a Muslim, but an Agnostic. I believe in love. In my opinion fighting fire with fire, results in… more fire. However, your web page is very enlightening.
I have a personal request for you in regards to my own life. I believe that you may shed some light on my situation. I would appreciate it if you could make the time for a brief exchange of opinion.
I am a 30+ year old independent consulting engineer. I started a relationship with my banker, who is a wonderful Muslim woman. We mutually agreed that religion is a personal choice, and that we will respect each other’s choices.
The relationship is currently based on electronic communication.
The only contact we have had outside work has been one lunch break. Since then she is always busy: exams, family, etc. Her current commitment is to make a meeting happen next week, after an important banking exam.
She is actively involved in the Muslim community.
She describes her family as conservative.
She declares her love to me.
She also declares her love for her family.
She does not want to lose them, or me.
She has never been married.
As a person with intimate knowledge of Islam, and one who has an open mind, I would appreciate if you could share your wisdom with me.
I trust you also believe in love (as a feeling, and as a conscious decision that has to be made).
Hi Frank (name changed),
Love is overrated. You may love someone today and stop loving him/her the next day. All divorces happen between couples who were once madly in love with each other. Spouses who once were best friends become mortal enemies. Yes love is important. It is a sine qua non for a happy marriage, but it is not everything. There must be also compatibility.
As a non-Muslim you will never have compatibility with a Muslim partner for whom religion is important and is actively involved in it.
Marriage is not just for the benefit of the couple. In fact it is not about them at all. It is for the benefit of the children. Marriage is an institution we humans have devised to protect our future generations. It is a sacred institution made for the survival and the happiness of our species. If it were not for children we would never have invented the marriage. The fact that we fall in love and develop loyalty to our partner is nature’s way to ensure our future generations are protected and provided for. You don’t see this kind of marital love and relationship in most other mammals because their offspring does not need so much paternal care as human babies do. On the other hand most species of birds form monogamous relationships, some for life and some for the duration of hatching and fledgling of their chicks. Monogamy among mamals is rare. Only 3% of mamals are monogamous, in contrast 90% of birds are monogamous.
Some people think marriage is a religious institution – a relic of the past. This is not true. Marriage is an evolutionary imperative in humans. The ceremony itself is just a social contract but marital commitment is in our nature.
When you try to choose a life partner, think about your future children first. How their best interest will be served? They are the primary purpose of marriage. Of course you get love and companionship from marriage too. But this is not why marriage was instituted. Marriage was instituted for the benefit of children. Everything else is a bonus.
Children need a harmonious place to grow. When you marry a Muslim and you are not, your relationship will NOT be harmonious. The exhilaration of sexual attraction will die very soon. Honeymoon will be over in days. To live with someone for the rest of your life you need to be compatible together.
Yes religion is a personal matter, but that is only in your relationship with your co-workers and your neighbors, not with your spouse. How will you raise your children? If you teach them a set of values and she tells them something different the kids will be confused and disoriented. If the father and mother don’t respect each other’s opinions and beliefs, children cannot respect either one of them, or worse, they will take side. The mother has more emotional control over the children. So be prepared to be the outsider in your own home.
There will be also conflicts in other areas. If you can’t share your thoughts with your spouse because they will offend her you grow apart. Soon you will feel you are living with a stranger with whom you have little in common. Then both of you may find others to share your soul with and maybe other things. Infidelity happens when spouses have nothing to talk about. And I can assure you that you’ll have very little to talk about with a brain dead Muslim. Don’t deceive yourself. There are no bright Muslims. If they are, they will leave Islam.
Also this woman is not being truthful to you. She is a devout Muslim coming from a conservative Muslim family. She knows that as a Muslim woman she cannot marry a non-Muslim man. But she is hiding this fact from you for the time being until she has you on the hook. Then the mind games and manipulations begin and she will gradually try to corner you into accepting Islam. It will be of course just to please her parents and other silly excuses. It will be only a “formality” to keep the peace in her family and if you love her enough you should make that little sacrifice. Once you give in you lose your respect. Nature dictates that men must lead and women must follow. If you do anything that goes against this law of nature, you will lose your status and with it your respect. With words she may praise you but as a man you are finished. She is a woman after all and women don’t have a lot of respect for weak men. She perceives you as one who is willing to give up on his principles for her and that is a death sentence of a good relationship.
I am not suggesting that men should be obstinate. That is a turn off. In ordinary things, it is better to be accommodating. How to decorate the house, where to eat, where to go for vacation, etc., are things that you should give in, if she feels strongly about them. However, in matters of principle never give in no matter how she insists and threatens you. I can’t see anything more fundamental than one’s belief. Women will love you more if they find you stronger than them. Once again I must emphasize that obstinacy is not strength, it is camouflaging weakness.
It is up to you to decide what to do. But since you asked me I will give you my opinion, even though it may not be what you hoped to hear. I suggest you either stop meeting her or meet her and tell her what I told you. Tell her for the sake of the children you should both belong to the same faith. Tell her you are willing to convert to Islam if she reads my book and shows where I am wrong (I will send you a PDF file if you ask for it). This is a trick. It is intended to make her read my book. Once she reads it she will leave Islam. If that happens, then date her and see whether you are really compatible in other areas. If she refuses to read, say goodbye and thank me for saving you from a lot of unnecessary future pain. The chances that you will find happiness with a devout Muslim is very slim.
Muslims are like anyone else. They can be smart, charming, loving or just cranky and moody, etc. However, there is something very sinister in them. That is their belief in a psychopath. When people follow a psychopath they can do irrational things that are beyond your expectation. They can be also extremely ruthless and evil. Remember that Muslims have no understanding of the Golden Rule. That is a big disadvantage for you or for anyone dealing with them.
Help this woman to leave Islam or dump her. That is the bottom line.
BTW, I am not fighting fire with fire. I am fighting ignorance with rationality.