Woeful Vows with Muslims
I have been reading your website and have just ordered your book. I need to tell you my story. I was bought up in a good strict Christian family and although I was strictly disciplined in truth I knew nothing but happiness for the first 17 years of my life.
I met a Muslim man who was 31 and 11 years later we are still together. The last 11 years have been miserable because of his past and upbringing (I know this now).
I feel stupid because I spent the last 11 years misusing my Christian indoctrination by ‘turning the other cheek’ and forgiving unconditionally.
I kept our relationship a secret for 5 years and lost my virginity to him. We had several years long distance [relationship] while I studied etc. I always remained loyal and I suppose the years just went by. I feel I’ve let my family down.
I always thought we could compromise when we marry but that was before I met his family. When I met them I couldn’t understand why they were all so cold, heartless and cruel and why they would go for years ‘not talking to a family member’ why they couldn’t forgive and why they were full of so much pride. Why they were cruel to one another, and why they had one upmanship, why they lied and kept secrets. I have endured physical mental and emotional abuse from my partner and also from them.
I am far from my family now and dependent on my partner. I started to look into Islam and was horrified by what I read. I read with an open heart and mind and cannot find anything good in it. I studied because i wanted to show him the way he was behaving was wrong but in reality if he is following the Quran he is doing ok!
It sickens me. After a year and a half of terrible communication with my partner and an increase in physical abuse I left. It took all my strength to leave. He begged me to come back and I went back after two weeks. I have told him I don’t want Islam in my life. I have realized now that he mistook my Christian tolerance for Islamic submissiveness. I am entirely dependent on him. I stupidly gave up my job and all means of independence when I moved here. I told him within a week of coming back that it wasn’t right and I have to leave. He broke down and told me he was sexually abused and beaten every day as a child. This has made me sink even lower I feel awful. I want to be strong for him. I feel torn between saving him and saving myself. I have very clearly told him everything about his religion that he doesn’t know. He knows the anger i feel towards Islam. I feel weak. I need help. I feel guilty if I leave him and sick and depressed if I don’t. I fear I’ll be making a mistake as since he revealed his pain to me he seems to have changed. He is calm and loving and apologises for wrong doings and I’m very confused. I wish he’d told me years ago.
He says we will move away from his family and i can raise the children Christian, but he doesn’t want it ‘in his face’ this is a different tune to the one he was playing a few months ago. I’ve told him if he knows this religion is paedophilic, murderous and cruel why doesn’t he reject it outright? An evil Christian is one who is not following the bible, an evil Muslim is one who IS following the Quran.
Don’t know what I’m expecting from you apart from someone to listen who understands. I just don’t believe he will do these things he said but I don’t want to let go of the only man I have ever loved or been intimate with and there have been good times.
Hi Marta (name changed),
In order to save someone else from drowning you have to be on firm ground yourself otherwise both of you get drowned. If you are in peril you can’t help others.
Your partner is damaged. You can leave him. This is an option and the easiest one, if you still don’t have children. But if you have children it may not be the best or at least the first option you may want to consider.
If you don’t want to leave him there are three steps that you should take together.
The first is that he must realize Islam and its nefarious culture is the main culprit for his misery and the misery of his family and his society. There are no emotionally healthy and happy Muslims. It is fair to say that every Muslim is damaged to a certain degree. This is true about everyone, Muslim or not, but it is much truer in the case of Muslims. You can’t grow up in a cesspool, breathing that fetid air and drinking that poop water and grow up healthy and sane. As the result no Muslim is 100% okay. I haven’t seen any and I don’t believe there is one. Leaving Islam is the first step towards sanity and normalcy.
However, it does not mean once you leave Islam all your problems will be solved and you will become a normal person. It may take a few generations to undo the damage that Islam has done to Muslims. You can’t overcome 1400 years of this kind of abuse overnight. For 14 centuries these people have been following a sociopath. The damage can’t be undone easily.
Any person who marries a Muslim should also know that they come with a big emotional baggage. This does not mean you can’t find good and loving people among Muslims. All humans are born angelic. We get damaged on our way to adulthood. A Muslim child gets more beating.
The next thing you and your husband/partner should do is to get away from his toxic family. Get out of his country and go back to yours. You are still young and you can find a job and be independent. He too can find a job.
These two steps are fundamental, because you want to eliminate the source of the problem. If your basement is flooded, the first thing you want to do is to stop the water coming in, such as shutting off the tap, before trying to get rid of the water that is in the house . Likewise, you must end the negative influences in your partner’s life, which are his religion and his family before seeking help for him.
Once out of Islam and away from his family, he should seek therapy. This is a long process but an experienced psychologist or maybe even a psychiatrist can help. He needs professional help. All Muslims need psychiatric help to a varying degree. Of course the first thing they should do is to leave Islam.
These are things he must do to overcome his problems. If he takes the first two steps, you may want to remain loyal to him and be supportive. Help him overcome the damage. It will never be a full recovery but at least it may be enough for him to function as a loving husband and father.
If he refused to leave Islam and cut his umbilical cord from his family, then there is no hope for him. Consider him a write off and move on with your life. At 28, you are in the prime of your life. You can start again and with your experience you will do fine this time.
If you don’t have children, don’t bring any to world yet. A troubled relationship can become worse with the burden of children and you don’t want to be responsible for destroying their lives. If you have children and your man refused to leave Islam and his family, take them and move away from him. It is better for them to grow without a father than letting him abuse and damage them.
The new edition of my book is not available for sale yet. You may want to ask for refund. I attach a copy of the older edition.
Wish you the best