Bitter Love: Another Saga of a Muslim Man and a Western Woman
Well, my name is C. I am married to a Muslim Arab man. I was born and grew up in the United States . I was 22 when I met my husband through a mutual acquaintance. Our relationship started online for 3 months until we finally met in person in Rome.
When I went to meet him, I did not tell my mother whom I lived with because I knew she would not approve of me meeting a strange Muslim man. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Here I was, only 22, and running away from my home, telling my family I was going to work when really I was getting on a plane to meet a complete stranger.
To make a long story short, I ended up falling for him and I eventually traveled with him to his country and later married him, despite hearing stories of guys using girls for their passports and everything. I felt these ladies who got used were older or unattractive. Here I was, a little younger than him and I always considered myself to be a pretty girl. Growing up, lots of guys liked me. Plus, being that I am light and blondish, I felt I was exotic for him so that’s why he was attracted to me.
Anyway, as fate may have it, I ended up filing for him and he came to the USA. Prior to him coming here, I was having doubts about Islam. My Roman Catholic background was just way too strong. My relationship with Jesus has always been a very personal one and I will even go so far to say, growing up I was the most religious person in my family, always praying and listening in church. Still, Islam felt exotic and different. I admired how Muslims seemed so devoted and unshaken, so I was quick to marry him in a mosque and accept a Koran from his family which was given to me the minute they met me.
I pretended to embrace the religion for him, but deep down, I saw how racist these people were. I grew up believing all people were equal, regardless of religion. For them, they feel all non-Muslims are dirty. As an animal lover, I also couldn’t accept how they seem to despise animals, which are God’s creatures and as a Catholic woman, I also admired San Francesco and San Francesco di Paola for all they did for the animals. I can go on and on about the reasons this religion and life style turned me off.
I started to have vivid dreams of Jesus. The summer before he came to the U.S.A., I was miraculously reunited with both people who baptized me when I was a baby. A few months ago, I also went to Europe and prior to leaving, I happened to have a dream where I was told to pray to Saint Augustine. I really knew nothing about Saint Augustine, so I googled him as soon as I woke up from that dream. To my surprise, I just so happened to have this dream on the same night that Saint Augustine is celebrated. Again, I knew nothing about St. Augustine or when his saint’s day was!!! After reading about his life, I was moved to tears. For me, it was too big of a sign that I just so happened to dream about a saint from an Arab country, prior to Islam in Algeria.
To make matters stranger, after a long time of not being in church, I walked into a church and the priest just so happened to be quoting Mark 7:18, which is about Jesus making all foods clean. All these things just felt like signs to me that this life of Islam is not for me.
At one time, I believed my husband loved me. I still love and care about him deeply, but I feel he might never change. He never defended me to his family who treated me terribly, especially his mother who humiliated me by putting on my wedding dress and mocking me after I wore it. He never even defended me against his friends. It’s almost as if they came first because they were his same culture and religion, while I was just a dirty Western girl.
Things are so complicated now. He was an angel when he first came here, sometimes working 3 jobs for me in a day to make money for me. Some days, when I was sad, he would even cry with me. Then, he changed after he met this old Syrian Alawi man (btw, my husband is Sunni, not that it really matters). Anyway, this old man sexually harassed me several times even asking me perverted questions about my mother. My husband just laughs with him. He blamed me for the sexual harassment and says I am just saying this because I don’t like him.
Recently, he has moved to another state where this crooked old Syrian guy offered him a business opportunity to manage a taxi cab company. This Syrian man had several businesses in my state, but the City shut down all his businesses so he moved to another state and my husband followed him. My husband still visits me, but I can’t believe if I was his wife and he loved me that he would leave to run a business with a man in another state. He keeps saying he couldn’t get a good job here. Worse yet, he pretty much makes it seem like he wants me to break up with him now. He keeps giving me ultimatums that he wants Muslim children and if I don’t move to Ohio our relationship is over.
I am going to start Med school, so moving to another state is not possible at this point in my life. He does not even have a place there and I know his relationship with this old man is not solid, because this guy had also employed other young Arab guys who were friends of my husband and then he fought with them and kicked them out of his life.
All the same, I told my husband before he came to the U.S.A., I could only stay in this state and that I was still a student. He agreed. As for the Muslim kids, I just can no longer agree to this. I told him, even though before our marriage I agreed to appease him, this was before I knew the truth about Islam. Now I know, I can’t raise my kids to hate me and my culture and religion, while being close to him and his family who hate me.
For a while, he seemed open to the idea that kids should be what their mom is. He even said for a while to let them decide and he even would listen to me when I talked about Jesus. Now, this has all changed. His Arab friends as well as being in contact with his family again have destroyed our relationship more.
I’m hurt because I really felt I was starting to change him and he became a gentler person. Either way, I’m lost now. I have nobody and I’m severely depressed. I feel this is the end of my relationship.
My family supports me, but they don’t want to hear me talk about my problems with him. They feel I made my bed, so now I should lie in it. I alienated them so much by marrying him secretly. I also have no close friends. Do you know of a group for women like me, currently married to Muslim men or ex-wives of Muslim men? I just want people to talk to.
I am only 24 now and I feel like life is over. My two year wedding anniversary is coming up and I know everything is over. I need some comfort without people judging. I cry all day long. Some days, I can’t sleep or eat. My husband acts annoyed by me instead of comforting me. His ultimatum about Muslim kids has hurt me beyond belief. He knows I won’t accept.
My only hope is that this man will convert to Christianity. I know it’s close to impossible. Do you have any suggestions for talking to Muslims? I just want some peace, even if him and me leave each other tomorrow, I care about him and want him to see the truth one day. Sorry for this long email. Thanks for reading and for allowing me to vent. Please write back and let me know what you think.
Sorry to bother you again. I just feel so compelled to write to you because I know you were Muslim at one time and I appreciate what you do to expose Islam. I am also trying to find out what the turning point was for you. My husband does not even like to admit there are apostates in Islam! He dismisses it as they are liars or trying to get U.S. nationality or be spies for Israel.
Anyway, today was a rough day. My husband was visiting me for the past few days and this friend of his kept calling, so I screamed while my husband was on the phone and this prompted him to recite talaq. We are still married on paper. Islamic marriage means nothing to me. Still, I know it means something for him, so I am very depressed he would say it after 2 years.
Anyway, from what I understand, you are not practicing any religion right now. I am not sure if you are agnostic or atheist or if I’m wrong and you are into some type of religion, but may I ask, did you always have doubts about Islam or were you at one time devoted? What made you finally see the flaws in Islam? How old were you? I am obviously Christian and even if I can’t get my husband to convert to my religion. Is there any way I can get him to see the faults with Islam?
Every time I try to have conversations with him to discuss the violence in Islam and the hate Muslims have for non-Muslims, he accuses me of being racist or tells me if I respect him I wouldn’t talk about his religion. For a while, it seemed he welcomed my conversations. Now, his friends have changed everything as well as pressure from his family. Very frustrated. I wish there was a forum or an outlet to meet other women in my similar situation.
One thing I can tell you is that life is not over and things are not as gloomy as they appear to you now. In fact as I see it from my vantage point I think you are in the best time of your life even though you can’t see it now.
This man is not right for you. Your marriage with him was a mistake and it will bring you nothing but sadness. You cling to him and desperately hope the impossible. The truth is that the best thing for you is to get out of this so called marriage.
You are only 24. This is the beginning of life. You have 70 more years ahead of you. Yes you made a mistake, as if no one does. Sometimes mistakes are so innocent and yet the consequences are so severe that it seems unfair. Imagine you drive a car. You become distracted for a second and an accident happens that leaves you crippled for life. That is a big price to pay for such a tiny mistake. That is life.
In your case your mistake was huge, but fortunately its consequence is not that big, at least not yet. You don’t have a child, which means you can end this abusive relationship today and forget it completely. Yes it hurts. But the hurt will go away soon and once you meet another guy.
I am not a religious person. You may say I am agnostic, but for all practical purposes I am an atheist. I don’t discard the possibility that there might have been some sort of intelligence behind the laws of physics, but I don’t believe in any god intervening in the affairs or the design of the world. However, I know about the power of faith. People believing in Jesus and God can see miracles happen in their lives. I am against fanaticism, not against belief. If you can believe in Jesus this is the moment that your faith can come to your help and pull you literally out of this nightmare you have put yourself in.
All those dreams and those spiritual experiences you are having are telling you that you need to get away from this abusive relationship. You can believe that God is sending you subtle messages. A rationalist may say those are the voices of your subconscious mind. In either case you must listen to them. You must get out of this abusive relationship. This man does not beat you, at, least not yet. But he is emotionally abusing you and these abuses become more intense as you become more dependent on him emotionally.
Islam transforms the psychology of its followers. Muslims are not emotionally healthy people. They are narcissists, all of them, and to the extent that they follow their prophet. The insanity of one man is bequeathed to his followers and they all show the symptoms of malignant self-love. That included me when I was still a believer.
The reason your husband and his family and friends disdain and belittle you is because they are narcissists. They can’t help it. It is by demeaning others that Muslims can feel good about themselves. You can see that in the comments they leave in this blog. They behave like savages – are abusive, violent, arrogant, bully, misogynist, dictatorial and backward and yet all their comments are about how bad are the western countries. Even after America has sacrificed so much to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan, a great majority of Muslims hates America and accuses Americans of killing Muslims. The concept of fairness is alien to these people. They are genuinely incapable of fairness. Fairness is one of the most important faculties that make us human, distinct from animals. Muslims lack fairness. The evolution of humanity in Muslims has not yet happened and as long as they follow a psychopath there is no hope that it will ever happen.
After Americans left, Iraq is ‘drowning’ in terrorist attacks American solders were defending the people against the terrorists but since the terrorists were Muslims all Muslims hated the Americans. This insanity is unique to Muslims and its root is in the Quran and the mental illness of its author. Muslims can’t tolerate a non-Muslim killing a Muslim even if that Muslim is a terrorist who murders them and rapes them. This sounds unbelievable, but it is true. If you save the life of a Muslim by killing another Muslim who was about to kill him. The person whom you saved will hate you for killing a Muslim and may want to kill you for it. There is no logic in this that you and I can understand, but this is the insanity of the Muslim mind.
There is a story of a man who went to Muhammad after hearing he wanted to kill his father. This young man, the son of Abdullah ibn Ubay, begged Muhammad that if he wants to kill his father, allow him to do it. He reasoned that if another Muslim kills his father, as a dutiful son, he will have to take his revenge and kill a Muslim for a kafir, which would mean he would go to hell. But by killing his father he will not be tempted to sin. This is Islam for you.
Muslims are the dirtiest people and call others dirty. This dirtiness is a different kind of dirtiness. It is associated with belief. You can be the cleanest person but if a drop of rain falls from your clothe on a Muslim he believes that you have defiled him. Because of your faith you are considered to be najis, untouchable. This is not something ignorant mullahs have made up. This teaching comes from the Quran. The Quran says unbelievers are najis.
Muslims project their own undesirable traits on others and despise them for what they don’t like in themselves. But their hypocrisy is such that while they disdain and disparage the west and believe the non-Muslims to be najis, they do everything they can to become refugees in the kafir countries that they hate.
You ask about the turning point in my life that made me see the light and hope to make that happen for this man you love. This is not something that happens outside you. It is something that happens inside you. To see the light you need to have conscience, be fair and have empathy. When I was a child (10 years old) we lived in a village. My mother kept a few chicken. They laid eggs which we ate. One day my father said he invited a guest and asked my mother to kill one of the hens. I hugged the hen selected, hold her to my chest and cried, begging my mother not to kill her. I had seen her grow, and fed her. I could not bear the cruelty of killing her just so our guest can eat chicken. When I was 11, one day of spring, when I was coming back from school I found a little bird fallen from the tree. I could not find his nest. I took him home and tried to nurse him. I gave him minced meet but he could not digest it and died. I buried him and sat next to his little grave crying for hours. I had a compassionate heart when I was a child. Cruelty and injustice to others pained me. They still do. I could not understand why Eid Qurbai, the day Muslims sacrifice animals and spill the blood of innocent beasts is the most joyous day for them. How can the sight of blood make them happy?
Don’t expect miracles. There is something missing in the psyche of Muslims. They don’t have empathy. They don’t have conscience. They have no idea of fairness. These are faculties we expect in evolved or spiritual people. Muslims don’t have them. Their spiritual faculty is underdeveloped.
Muslims do good deeds, which really is not good deed but mere following the Islamic rituals, for reward. That is all their spiritual evolution allows them to do. They don’t do any act of goodness for the sake of feeling good about it. It must be for rewards. This alone tells you they are spiritually midgets. We kafirs don’t do good deeds because we expect a return. We do it because it is the right thing to do and makes us feel good. That is not the case with Muslims. It is all about Allah seeing, writing it down and paying you back 10 fold when you die. If this is not pathetic what is?
I know it sounds outrageous and many ignorant people will call me hate monger for saying these things, but the truth is that Muslims are not fully evolved humans. I don’t give a damn what ignorant people think about me. I am telling the truth from my perspective, whether people like me or not. People with conscience exist among Muslims, but they are not the majority and they end up leaving Islam when they learn about it.
Your parents are right in washing their hands and telling you to lie in the bed you made for yourself. People have to learn from their mistakes. However, if you were my daughter I would tell you leave this man today. He already pronounced talaq, which although to you means nothing to him it means divorce and that is final. The legalities are just formalities for him. If I were you I would jump up and down with joy. File for divorce and get out of this abusive relationship with this neanderthal now. Kick him out of the house and change the locks or even move to another place where he can’t find you.
It is possible that once he realizes he is going to lose you, and if he still thinks he needs you and has not taken full advantage of you, he may come begging you to take him back. Don’t be fooled again.
Young people give too much importance to love. The truth is that love is very transient. You will feel sad for a few days but it will pass sooner than you think. Go out and find friends. Join dancing classes, cooking classes, or become a volunteer. Just don’t sit at home. Get out and do something. Twenty four is too young for marriage. You have plenty of time to find your soul mate and create a happy family. Ten years from now, when you have a career, a loving husband and a couple of adorable children you may think about now and smile, thanking God for pulling you out of this mess.
Write in the comments. There are other women who have been in your situation. They will leave their comments and you won’t feel lonely. I am also going to revive the forum of faithfreedom.org where we had a section dedicated to women married to Muslim men.
Be happy. Getting rid of this man is the best thing that could have happen to you. Don’t worry about helping him. You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped. Go to your church when no one is there, sit on your knees and say, Jesus, I have come back to you, please accept me.. Then walk out with confidence and assurance that you are in safe hands. Go to your parents or call them and tell them you made a mistake and now you have come to your senses and want to walk in the light.
Finish your studies first. There is no rush to get married. Muslim men shatter the confidence of their women. This is the first thing they do to control them. Regain your confidence. Future is all yours.