Hi Ali Sina,
I wanted to ask your advice given you have a good amount of experience both personal and researched based. My ex-boyfriend which I separated from a month ago is an Arab Muslim. He is not an ignorant person, quite the contrary; he is working on his PhD. We’ve been together for one year and we were planning to get married.
I must mention that I’m Christian orthodox of faith and hi, a Sunni Muslim. I have a great knowledge of the Bible and the early Church Fathers writings which made me even more intrigued to find out and compare notes with Islam. I had no idea what I was about to find. It’s almost as all which is pure and sacred in the early Christian faith is cancelled out in Islam and all the sinful and condemned acts are glorified and prescribed in the Koran and the Hadiths. The more I found the more I could not pretend to be ok with it.
I tried on various occasions to ask questions about Islam, but he would totally deny and get frustrated and avoid the topic. In time, I understood that he didn’t know the answers because he did not have an in depth knowledge of Islam as he kept on saying that the scholars know best, not him, and to watch Youtube videos of them debating. Obviously, I could not pull my conclusions from those debates as even after I watched a few on private, I started to see a trend of deception used to justify Islam. I realized that because my boyfriend did not have the knowledge himself to answer me, he would compensate with frustration as a defense so he would not have to speak about it.
I ignored the issue for a while, but those constant uncertainties about how our children will be brought up or how everything will work out in the end seemed to grow more and more. We would have regular disagreements on minor things but unfortunately based on religion or the way he was conditioned to see life. In time as I learned more about Islam I could see clearly where his behaviour and attitude came from. I have to state also he is not a bad person and treated me with respect.
Now jumping to the end, what was the point that made him walk away from our relationship is his inability to see a future together because he wants his kids to be Muslim etc. During our last fight, out of anger at the fact that he’s blind to the truth, I screamed out that that Koran is a garbage book and Mohamed is pedophile and most likely is in hell and many other things about the hypocrisy of Islam. Needless to say, a few days after, he broke up telling me that he cannot forgive our last fight and cannot be with someone who talks like that today about his beloved Mo.
The problem is he has no idea what Islam really is; he only knows the popular Islam. We separated a month ago and he still calls me once a week to see how I am doing and cares about me. I’m going through denial/anger /depression phases now mostly because I know that if Islam was not in the middle we would not have big things to fight about, I don’t really like to fight but the truth for me is essential. To alleviate my pain and crying, I start reading testimonies of women that had gone through similar scenarios and I found your website. After reading many testimonies of people leaving Islam, your articles, some debates and comments I felt better. However, the more I read the more my hope for my ex-boyfriend “to see the light” grew. I know he never read fully the Koran and the hadiths as he was unable to respond to my comments and would point me to the scholars. I really want to find a way to challenge him to really read and reflect on the Koran without sounding to force him. He’s already convinced that the Koran is from God and he will always be a Muslim just by brainwashing.
I thought of sending him an e-mail asking clarifications on some red flag issues of the Koran and hadiths and asking him to explain to me how he sees those. However, I am afraid my attempt will backfire as he might be in the defensive mode and reject my critiques justifying simply that I don’t know because I’m not a Muslim, ‘out of context ‘ or ‘many interpretations’ excuses etc. Other time, I think is better that he find out on his own but it kills me inside that I know those things now and we are not together because of Islam and I feel I should do something about it.
Please help me in finding out what is the best way to address this critical issue as I know that if he drops Islam we would be together now building a family. It might take a gradual strategy or a shock one, I don’t know. Please try to visualize this situation and see what approach would be most beneficial from your own experience with working with Muslims. I really appreciate your help.
I can see you love this man. I am afraid this love is fruitless. This relationship will bring you nothing but pain and will destroy you and your future children. You are entitled to your life, but not to that of your children. Many women marry Muslim men and bring to world children who are tormented physically and psychologically, and are abused and brainwashed. That is forgivable because they did this out of ignorance. That excuse does not exist for you. You know Islam is evil and you know your children will suffer if you marry this man.
You ask me what you can do to help him. Nothing! Not even Jesus was able to help those who did not want to receive his help. That is not how the law of salvation works. To receive help one has to ask for it. This man is not asking. In fact he rejects it. There is nothing you can do about it. Just leave him and save your soul and your future children.
Yes, I know breakups are painful. Who hasn’t gone through that? But no one has died of it. These feelings pass. You will meet someone else whom you will love and he will love you. There are plenty of fish.
I am not in favor of intercultural marriages to begin with. Interracial marriages are okay, as long as both have the same culture. But intercultural marriages can be troublesome, even when the man and the woman are of the same nationality if they grew up in different cultures. Life has its challenged; why add one more to it? We don’t come to this world to suffer. We come here to enjoy life, to love and to be loved, not to fight, especially over religion. Why you need that extra torment in your life?
When there is compatibility and common purpose, the initial love can grow. Without it love will soon die and you will be condemned to live with a stranger. When this stranger is a male chauvinist Muslim, your life will be hellish. He wants to control your life. He will kill your soul. Read the stories of women who married to Muslim men. They all say how at first everything was wonderful and then became a hell. Why do you think yours will be different?
You say he is not and ignorant person. We humans are not just homo-sapience. We are also homo-divinus. There is no divinity in Muslims. They are filled with the fear of God. Only devil fears God. God is love. We love God by loving his creation and our fellow beings. God is in people. Muslims hate people. By hating others they hate God. Ask this man how he feels about the Jews. You already know the answer. And don’t buy the lies that they only hate the Zionists. The hatred of the Jews is in the Quran and has nothing to do with Zionism.
Your ex is just like every other Muslim. They are all ignorant of Islam and think their scholars know everything. Poor Muslims are cocooned in lies. But you can’t help them. They must undergo their spiritual metamorphosis on their own and break their cocoon from inside. There is nothing you can do for them.
You say this man is good to you. It won’t last long. Once you marry him, and especially when you have your children, things will change drastically for the worse. There are rare exceptions, but this is the norm. Read what other non-Muslim women who married Muslim men say. Influenced by their religion Muslims grow in a patriarchal society that regards women as chattel. Muslim men can’t help it, but to think of their wife as their property. He will want to control the way you dress, your choices of friends, your movements and even your thoughts. He is convinced that children belong to him. This is in the back of his mind as a nonnegotiable fact. This pattern of thought is cultural. It is deeply rooted in the psyche of every Muslim. He thinks men are the keepers of women and excel them and it is his right to straighten his wife by beating her. (Q.3:34)
This mindset cannot change as long as one believes that Islam is from God. A Muslim may tell you he believes in equality between men and women. But he is lying. If he were sincere he would not hesitate to say the Quran is wrong on this matter. But they don’t. Instead they try to justify it and rationalize it with historic relativism. No one can hold two dissonant views at the same time and for a Muslim what his religion says goes. In the back of their mind, whether man or woman, Muslims agree that men are in charge of women, that women are inferior and less intelligent. And women must follow their men in major decisions.
To change this way of thinking, you have to change their belief in Islam. That is not in your hand. It is up to them to do that and Muslims are not willing to remove their blinders. As far as you are concerned, you should see them as lost souls and should stay away from them. Just leave this man and move on.
Islamic societies are loveless societies. Muslim men are emotionally needy. They have no understanding of love. They are manipulative and game players. This man has allegedly left you but he keeps calling you. He wants to coerce you to submit to him. He keeps in touch to see when you are going to break down and fall at his feet begging his forgiveness. He plays this game because he senses you love him and therefore are vulnerable. Once he realizes you are gone he panics. He will come running to you and telling you how much he loves you and how he cannot leave without you. Oh yeah there will be some tears too. I know this even without knowing him. All Muslims, like their prophet, are narcissist and I know narcissism.
My dear, Muslims have no understanding of love. Love cannot exist without freedom. A man who wants to control you, who tells you what you should believe, how you should dress and with whom you should talk, does not understand love. He is a needy man. He wants to possess you, own you and put you in his cage. He will do the same with your children. One who keeps a bird in a cage does not love the bird. Muslims come from a religion and a culture where love does not exist.
Love between man and woman is a new phenomenon. It is not even 100 years old. It was born when women became equal to men. Prior to that humans felt infatuation and attraction for their mate, not love. After living together, they felt attachment to each other in the same way that you feel attachment to your pet. Love cannot exist without equality. It is new in the west, but rare in most of the world and absent in patriarchal Islamic societies. You can’t expect a Muslim man to know love as you can’t expect a cat to know calculus. You will have a much better chance of winning the big jackpot than finding love in a Muslim man.
This man can manipulate you and try to coerce you so he can control you psychologically and subdue you emotionally. All these are clear indications that he does not love you. He cannot love because he has not reached the spiritual and emotional maturity to love.
If he calls you again, ask him to read this article and tell him not to call you because you want to move on and close this chapter of your life. He will then panic. Then tell him to read my book. He can find the latest edition on Amazon sites. It comes also as ebook. If he reads it he will leave Islam. Any Muslim who reads my book will leave Islam. He would not even want to know what Muslim scholars say because everything will become clear to him and he will understand Islam better them. If money is an issue, I can send him the older edition of it in PDF. It is not as complete as the latest edition, but it makes the point.
If he refuses to read my book, bade him good bye. Go out fishing. There are plenty of good men out there. Next time don’t date Muslims. Be careful because almost all of them will tell you they are not practicing Muslims. Don’t fall into that trap. Unless they acknowledge that Muhammad was a conman, a devilish monster who committed hideous crimes, don’t believe them. Their pretense that they are not Muslim is a deception. As soon as you fall into their trap they will begin forcing you to submit to them and will try to shove their religion down their throat.
I just saw this documentary about forced marriage. Please watch it as it gives you a glimpse into the mind of the Muslim man. Educated or not they all share the same mindset.