Perplexed

Perplexed

Dear Ali Sina

I need your advice on a very important matter. I have read your articles and have found them very convincing. I was born and raised in a conservative religious family in Pakistan. I had always doubted Islam but all around me were very religious and I couldn’t find answers for the questions I was having about Islam. I was always told that I had to not question and just believe but I couldn’t do that. I am 30 years old now and married to a religious woman for five years and have a daughter. It was arranged marriage although not a forced one apparently. I am now convinced after studying a lot including your articles that I am no more a believer in Islam. That leaves me with harsh reality around me. I cannot say this in my community and family because you know the repercussions. The word has already slipped that I am not a practicing Muslim. I fear someone will report me to extremists which are quite common around me. I don’t know how to remain silent because I cannot. I think I have the right to my own views but I cannot do that for the fear of my life. I cannot even tell it to my wife because when I start the topic she says to stop talking like that. She is dumb completely in everything.

I kindda developed liking for another Pakistani girl. And now both of us want to marry and this new girl is religious too. She says there is nothing wrong to marry for the second time in Islam. But I am not a Muslim anymore and she knows it too. She says she will accept me with this. She is however quite qualified and has agreed to enjoy her life with me without being in burka. She uses miniskirts but never miss her prayers too. Our relationship is few months old in which we have met for few times and mostly we are on phone. I also find myself guilty as I am cheating on my wife. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my wife as I know I will never be able to see my daughter again and there will be family clash too. She is relative. And if I leave her for another woman who I love I fear how would our long relationship workout if we have different religious beliefs. I am sure I cannot change my wife and I am not satisfied with her. But I am not sure about the girl I love either. I don’t know how would she act in bed as she doesn’t allow me to do it because of religious reasons otherwise she says she wants it.  I want your advice on how shall I cope with my environment and family (including parents, siblings and relatives) as  I am no Muslim any more. Also about my daughter. She is four and already beginning to follow her mom in prayers. She will ultimately become like her mother. I don’t want that either for because I don’t want her to live in fear all her life and waste her time and energies on prayers. Also about my this new relationship with the girl I like.  If I marry her nobody will accept that neither in my family nor in hers. This marriage will be in court and secret and thus with a lot of problems from families. She is doing it because islam has allowed second marriage. I want her because I like her but I don’t like her being religious and I don’t like being married to two girls. i am sure one will suffer and my financial condition doesn’t allow it too at this moment. I desperately need your advice here.

Thanks

Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,

Your email contains two questions. One is about your apostasy and the other is about your relationship with this other woman.

As for your apostasy you have to keep it a secret. You leave in Pakistan. This is a dangerous place.  Your first duty is to stay safe and protect your life. So I suggest you keep your mouth shut and even go to the mosque and pretend to be a Muslim if necessary.  Beat Muslims at their own game of deception.  Things will not remain always the same. When the time is right you will be able to declare your apostasy. Now is not the time.

The blind faith of your wife is a problem. But you have a child with her. That innocent child has the right to both her parents, and to be loved and provided for. You must do whatever you can to ensure she does not miss what is rightfully hers.

If your wife is unwilling to listen there is nothing you can do.  It might be unsafe to bring the subject up.  She can put your life in danger, especially if she senses that you are not faithful to her.  Women can be very vindictive. They fight dirty, much dirtier than men. This is biological. They are weaker physically so they compensate with viciousness. Don’t corner a woman as she can destroy you.

If you want her to leave Islam, first you have to love her. Love is not something you can fake. You must really love her and make her know. Once there is love and the relationship is strong you can find a way to convince her to read my book. Understanding Muhammad is translated into Urdu. Maybe you can trick her to read it. For example, ask her to help you deepen your faith in Islam by reading it and convincing you that Islam is true. But she must not reveal this to others. Otherwise your life could be in danger.  If she reads my book she will leave Islam.  I have not heard any Muslim reading my book and still wanting to remain a Muslim.  The book sows the seed of doubt in them and they eventually break their chains and set themselves free.

As for this other woman, it is my advice to stop seeing her.  This is not a healthy relationship. She is a house wrecker.  Even if Islam allows polygamy, polygamy is wrong. It goes against human nature. A woman who agrees to share her husband has low self-esteem. She will not make a good wife and a good mother.  Mothers are the primary care givers. What kind of education can she provide for her children? The fact that she wears mini skirt but still defends Islam makes her a hypocrite.  These Muslims are worse.  There is no guarantee that they will remain moderate. They can turn zealot extremists overnight.  Once you live with her for some time the physical attraction will fade and you’ll have two problems on your hand – two women who are not compatible with you – two enemies that will do everything in their power to destroy you.

I believe you should cut your relationship with this other woman and try to work on your marriage. Talk to your wife and tell her that what makes a marriage work is mutual understanding and communication. She is a Muslim and you have doubt about it. So you should work together and find the right way, so both of you walk the same path. Reassure her that you are not suggesting that she leave Islam but only asking her to help you understand it and for that she should read my book and tell you why Islam is right.

To find answer to most of our questions all we have to do is rely on the unerring Golden Rule. Put yourself in the position of your wife, and your daughter. If you were in their place what would you want your husband/father do? How would you feel if your wife cheats on you?  Forget what the laws of Pakistan say.  Islamic countries are screwed up.  Neither the people nor their laws are sane.  Islamic laws even allow Muslims to raid the non-Muslims, murder them and rape their women.  They allow a man to beat his wife.  They allow pedophilia.  Do these crimes become right because they are allowed? Most Muslims don’t do these things because they are more decent than their prophet.   Do to others what you expect to be done to you. Treat everyone the way you’d expect to be treated.

If you want the Urdu translation of Understanding Muhammad, please let me know. I can email it to you in PDF file.

Wish you the best

Ali Sina

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This article has 40 comments

  1. I want Urdu translation of Understanding Muhammad, please send me I need this book

  2. I am yet to come across anyone living in Pakistan in a conservative Muslim family that writes English like Perplexed.

    You can see a mile off that it is a fake post pretending to be another apostate.

    The extremes some people will go to just to sell a few books and make a quick buck baffles me.

    People use these fake posts to promote their products, air opinions and, sometimes, just to think out loud about the issues that interest or affect them.

    The trouble starts when bogus bloggers pass themselves off as interested but impartial consumers who just happen to have tried the product and supposedly found it worked… like a miracle. In this case, the anti Islamic Ali Sina views.

    And this doesn't just happen with a fake poster. Sometimes, the sellers of these questionable products pop up as commenters on legitimate blogs, promoting their products or services.

    In other cases, scammers have been known to pay individuals to pretend to be satisfied customers, posting positive comments in blogs.

    In this case, the product being offered is Ali Sina's book. Or am I wrong?

    Is the book free by the way?

  3. "In Islamic countrie women are generally powerless. So it is obvious that their rights are violated. "

    Women are powerless in Islamic countries because Islam made them to be so. The last time i check, violation of women's right is an integral part of Islamic teaching regardless of the place of its existence.

    "But when the law gives protection to women, they often abuse it. In most divorce cases in the west women use the children as tools to punish the men. Of coure the children suffer most, but they don't care. As long as the man suffers it seems that the suffering of children is a price many women are willing to pay. Courts often take the side of women."

    I do not live in the US or western countries nor have the first-hand knowledge about any divorce cases there, but I'm curious about the choice of your word here. You wrote that women often 'abuse' the law that gave protection to them and proceed with the explanation of how western women in most divorce cases use children to punish husbands.

    I've seen plenty of the documents of divorce cases where the husbands cheat on, lie to, or even harm their wive physically. Sure, it's the wife who brought the divorce up. But the only thing they want is that, plain and simple, rarely resorting to cheap trickery, intimidation or using their children to 'smooth' things out.

    "This is not just in the case of divorce. In all fights generally women are more vindictive and more prone to fight dirty, i.e, lie. There are exceptoins. But as they say, exceptions confirm the rule. "

    Sina, while i respect you for helping people from the clutches of Islam, it almost seems that the Islamic contempt of woman still runs deep in you. Women are as vindictive and prone to 'dirty' fights (ex: lies) as any man does. If we're talking about women in society where patriarchal values were and are dominant, it's even more understandable if they 'overuse' the protection they once do not have to ensure that they won't be demonized further. This law 'abuse' is perhaps a kind of self-defense mechanism, as a warning that no one (man) should do the same to them, and i can hardly blame that. I don't condone the usage of children as a way to win court, though. But people don't do horrible thing without reason (or just because of a mere conflict of who picks the kid up at school at what time).

    "Women can be very vindictive. They fight dirty, much dirtier than men. This is biological. They are weaker physically so they compensate with viciousness. Don’t corner a woman as she can destroy you."

    As i wrote before, man are also capable of these. Humans could do the vilest thing depending on the circumstance. As for the viciousness part, i think you're mistaking correlation for causation. While it may be true that viciousness could be developed to compensate the lack of physical qualities, it doesn't necessarily mean that every human with weak physical trait will automatically do just that. People, in this case women, may choose to better another aspect of their life to solve problems rather than demonizing their troublemaker. They may choose to be a vile and deceptive thing, but could also choose the non-destructive path either to them or others. I've seen both, and most women I've met prefer the latter.

    Perhaps you could share a psychology or medical journal, preferably peer-reviewed one, that supports your claim about this biological viciousness of women?

  4. I will send you the forth edition. The sixth edition is much amplified and improved. It will be released this fall.

  5. Mr Sina can you please tell me where or how can i find your book!!! I’m from South Africa and went EVERYWHERE and asked EVERYONE for your book. Please help

    According to Boiragi, the book is in pdf format. If it is, can you send it me? LOVE YOUR WORK!

  6. Mr Sina sends everybody his book in pdf file, is not he losing money in doing this. I know in his debate with that retarded Iranian scholer, Mr Sina was saying that maintaining this site is largely out of in own pocket money as this site does not earn anything ( I did not see any advertisements), so why would you send your books for free. Well you need to educate people too.

    I hope Mr Sina earns well from somewhere.

  7. God knows what is the state of this affair, I have a simple question for my more simple mind. Why would an educated lady who wears a miniskirt (it means she is a liberal who does not believe in being in a walking bag and also does her prayers, god knows why do I get attracted to these. kind of female species) also wants to marry a man who is already married.

    I can smell a bit of a hypocracy somewhere in the 2nd lady's part…..

    I means it does not matter whatever you are wearing (mind you I love women in mini skirt or skirt with lovely toned legs and the beauty of it) modernity is what you are thinking and it is in your mind.

  8. Good Advice, but I'd strongly suggest you don't involve your wife in this, for all we know she might be the one whisperring this to the family members hearing, thats why you have people suspecting you are an apostate. From your letter I presume your wife isn't very educated?? Women are very emotional and very loyal to family. These clog the mind and understanding. Here you have a wife who doesn't want to hear about anything doubting islam, mix that with an loyalty to family and religion plus womens natural emotional condition you have a brew of distruction.
    Let me stop by saying most people I know who left islam also left there spouses, friends and family.

  9. Mohamed Uzail Qadiri
    Thursday 9 February 2012, 8:20 pm

    wah wah wah mr sina i take my hat off to you. you are a real man to even tell the brother to lie and decieve his wife if i am not mistaken not only islam but all religions teach you to be faithfull and honest to ones partner but her is a man that has not even studied the quraan and its true meaning telling another wana be MR ALI SINA that its acceptable to lie and cheat and you call my PROPHET (PEACE AND BLESSINGS BE UPON HIM) a lie

    YOU AMAZE ME MR SINA REALLY

  10. Dr. Sina,

    Can I have the pdf copy too in English. Would love to read this book which I believe won't make a cut to Malaysia. Thanks.

  11. Greetings from California! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I love the knowledge you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m amazed at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, fantastic site!

  12. Great…
    I want urdu translation of your book..

  13. And I know some physically strong women too….one is a tiny Japanese girl who is a black belt in karate, her muscles are very well developed and she has defeated grown men twice her size in tournaments. She is not vindictive, in fact she is a nice person but even if she really annoyed me I would not start a fight.

  14. Good to live in era that great thinkers like Sina , Dawkins , Hitchens , Harris and others open our mind and break the spells.I wish I knew these people long time ago…'\

  15. What? Are you insulting Allah? Don't you know Great Deceiver is one of the 99 names? Did you get your imam's permission to slander Allah?

  16. Just awesome is Dr. Sina's response to Perplexed.
    I am not surprised to note that Dr. Sina is not only a critical thinker (a giant at that) but also a Physician for the soul.
    May your tribe increase, rather your message about Islam and its "founder" spread like wild fire !!

  17. to perplexed.

    by being an apostate, basically you have just officially annulled your marriage. in islam you have the iddah which constitutes of 3 times period of your wife,this is the time for you to think truly whether you are gonna repent or not.if you dont then after the 3 times period of ur wife finishes,u r officialy not married to her….

    so in other words you are not in a poligamy marriage if u marry the other girl.

    didnt sina tell u that?so much for knowledge of islam sina.u criticised the surface of the water but did not dive in into the ocean to find out more.

    and y there is iddah ? so that the woman can be sure that she is not married or pregnant to her ex husband before she marries another man. how great allah swt is!

  18. ' I have not heard any Muslim reading my book and still wanting to remain a Muslim '

    i read it and the whole time i kept on thinking….'oohhh…pity him,he's very deluded'…oh yes…alhamdulillah im still a muslim and i still love islam and i love allah swt.

    oh yes…ur hand was guided by the devil himself when u wrote it…definitely….

    'The book sows the seed of doubt in them ' – isnt that what the devil does? it sows seed of evil in human beings ?

    'Maybe you can trick her to read it.'
    y do u need to trick people into reading something? that's like forcing them to read something they dont want until u need to bring urself so low to trick people in reading it.

    oops….

  19. Ali sina i are doing a great job keep up the good work

  20. Thank you Dr Sina. You seem to have the correct answers to all the questions. To comfess, I am a new comer to faithfreedom, but right from the accidental first day of dicovering the site, my day is never made without visiting it. The knowledge one gathers on this site is noncomparable and priceless.It gives one confidence that what one has been harbouring in one's mind and being traumatised are shared by many others out there.

  21. Someone has voted this comment down. I wish it were not true, but I've seen it too many times in court.

  22. Sorry Babs, I missed this comment. Yes I was speaking on general term not just Muslim women. The power that women have now is only a few decades old. Our psychology is formed by millions of years of evolution. Men got into fight and punched each other's nose. But women could not do that. They had to resort to other means that often were considered unmanly. We are not much changed psychologically since we lived in caves.

    In Islamic countrie women are generally powerless. So it is obvious that their rights are violated. But when the law gives protection to women, they often abuse it. In most divorce cases in the west women use the children as tools to punish the men. Of coure the children suffer most, but they don't care. As long as the man suffers it seems that the suffering of children is a price many women are willing to pay. Courts often take the side of women.

    This is not just in the case of divorce. In all fights generally women are more vindictive and more prone to fight dirty, i.e, lie. There are exceptoins. But as they say, exceptions confirm the rule.

  23. "..Women can be very vindictive. They fight dirty, much dirtier than men. This is biological. They are weaker physically so they compensate with viciousness. Don’t corner a woman as she can destroy you…"

    Ali, excuse me but are you talking only about Muslim women or women in general? I can understand that a Muslim woman, who has no real power, may well resort to manipulativeness and vindictiveness to compensate for that and to get her own needs met, but I would still, very respectfully, question this generalisation that you made without clarifying it.

  24. LOLLLLLLL… I've had a long and tiring day, but this comment is one of the funniest here… You gave me a very good Laugh, thx!

  25. Yeah, he's good. Sometimes when I'm reading the letter sent from a reader, I'm thinking in my mind what I would say in comments, but by the time I finish, Dr. Sina has already said all of it!

  26. Sina sir always gives the correct advice. Sir i always enjoy reading everything and anything you write

  27. First of all Ali is like all feminist she denounces the islam for anti women but supports the westren and current laws which are heavily against truth justice and males rights.Women are given more rights in these western laws including the laws in India in which iam very much aware.They want to take maintenance but do not want to do any work.Law do provide ZERO RIGHTS TO MALES.In fact in hundereds of way law is discriminatory against Males.Of course when criticising islam on male female issue thses laws and bises against males in western and current laws in India and else where are completely not mentioned by shrewed writing.Feminist like these would say that you are responsible for girl but mother is more important.But they do not mention That it is the husband who is doing more work and arranging all thinghs through money for child and her mother.So mother should have right but husband should have duty.My comments are only about male female rights .in islam and modern laws .No comment about other issues.

  28. Those who renounce Islam mostly who are familiar with "books and reading".
    Unfortunately, most zealous muslims are way too far from those words. How can you target these kind of zombies Mr.Sina?

  29. Frankly I don\’t see it that way. Sacrifice means giving up something valuable for something better. I am not giving up anything valuable. I live my life happily and enjoy it. I think I am happer than Muslims in my poisition. Of course ex-Muslims living in Islamic countires face a lot of discrimination, They are doing a lot of sacrifice. But for those of us living in the free world, we are not making any sacrifice.

  30. Dear Ali, I appreciate that we need to take initiatives so that our coming generations may find a peaceful world. But it will definately require sacrifices from present generation.The demand for sacrifices would be from both the apostates and from the ones who have nothing to do with Islam but yet are aware and awake for the fact that Islam is dangerous for mankind as a whole.

  31. I agree Muhammad. However, at one point our people must set themselves free. Would you rather do it or would you pass this burden on your children. This is a call for our generation. We must eradicate Islam so our future generations live in peace, go after science and prosperity instead of chasing a mirage. .

  32. "When someone asks you about your opinion just say that your views are between you and allah only. Muslims will understand that."

    This is not true. Muslims don't understand that. In Islam everybody's belief is everybody's business. There is somethign called amr bi ma'roof and nahi min al monkar. Every Muslim must make sure other Muslims follow Islam. Saying my faith is between me and God will not give you any protection. Muslims immediately know you are hiding something and will go after you.

    Muslims are the most decietful people in the world. We must deceieve them if we want to win this war. We must beat them with their most powerful weapon.

    I am sure you don't know Muslims and have never lived in an Islmic country. What you adivse will only put the lives of ex-Muslims in danger. I don't suggest people who have no reason to fear and live in a safe country should hide their apostasy. On the contrary they should announce it so everyone knows Islam is losing. But ex-Muslims in Islamic countries must do everything possible to survive. We don't need martyrs.

    In Iran an ex-Muslim christian preacher is facing death. I hear over a million people have converted to Christianity in Iran. But why is he facing death? Because he went to the school of his son and said since he is a Christian his son should be except from Islamic classes. Why did he have to do that? Why was is a bid deal for his son to learn about Islam? In fact every person should know about Islam. It's ignornce that attracts people to Islam.

    No Sir. We don't need martyrs.

  33. Correction "It will be crazy for her that you do-not follow Islam but want to marry another women. That sounds so deceitful."

  34. Good advice from Dr Sina. I think that your wife may not be that vindictive because you are the father of her child. She may not want her husband harmed. As Dr Sina point change her by love. Create doubt in her mind. Talk to her about Islam allows polygamy so what does she think if you married another women. She will feel threatened by Islam. It will be crazy for her that you do follow Islam but want to marry another women. That sounds so deceitful

    But the second women you mention you only know her from couple months, how do you know she would keep your secret if you fall in love with someone else down the road, Once you are married to this women life would not be that great or easy as you think, she will always measure you from the same yard stick of what you did with your first wife. If he can leave his first wife for me, he can leave me for some one else syndrome.

  35. I understand your concern, but truth is the highest ideal. Once you have learned the truth of Islam, you cannot go back. You will never have self-respect if you are not dedicated to the truth.

    You can be security conscious. Just because you know the truth doesn't mean that you have to tell anyone. If survival requires moving to another country to live, then carefully make plans.

  36. Perplexed,
    Ali has given you a good advice. Follow it.

  37. The polygamous man in photograph above still has a void left below his belly between his thighs to accommodate a six year old wife. He may take an extension to No of wives to be married from four to eleven which can be claimed as revival of a lost sunnah of prophet.

  38. Ali,I am confident about your claim that whosoever=muslim reads your book "understanding muhammad'' will definately escape islam or to the least will float in doubts. But do you ever realize that leaving islam and living as a apostate is one of the most dangerous and disturbing way to survive. Just take an analogy, it is something like a newly born fawn of a deer living helplessly on its unrevealed fate midst of wild beasts.

  39. Hello Perplexed,

    I think Mr. Sina has advised you very well about the women :)

    However, I don't think you should pretend to be religious. Deception should only be a muslim trait. In stead, you should avoid discussing Islam alltogether. When someone asks you about your opinion just say that your views are between you and allah only. Muslims will understand that. Avoiding the subject is not deception. And if someone asks you directly if you are an apostate, just say that you are an example of how true muslims should be!

  40. Hello Perplexed,

    Frankly, I do not envy you. I went through part of your
    ordeal, but I was not married nor attached.
    Believe me it is not easy to pretend or fake
    faith. I did that myself, and two things resulted:
    1- I started to look at myself with contempt, and
    felt down and worthless.
    2- In no time, people around me (the believers)
    discovered that I was fake, although I was
    trying hard to conceal it.
    So, they began to persecute me and treat
    me like dirt.
    I had to find a way out, so I left them
    all and dwelt elsewhere. But I was doing
    fine financially, therefore, my solution was
    successful.
    It has been years since the incident, still
    the wound remained open. You do not
    know yet how it feels when you are abused
    by your own family, your own flesh and blood.
    I am not saying that I found the utopia, but my
    life is much better now. I am alone, yes, but
    loneliness is a bliss sometimes. at least
    I guaranteed that there is no one around to
    hurt me.
    It is a good idea to leave the other woman, as
    Mr. Sina advised you. I also do not believe that
    this relationship is worthy.

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