I Am Gay, Please Help!
I am a 22 year old man, Muslim from Nigeria. I am very devoted to my religion and my parents. But my faith is making my life miserable, because of my sexual orientation, i am gay, i knew it since i was 6 or 7, i tried to change it since for almost 10 years now, it is only wish for during the Ramadan for more than a decade, i prayed every night that Allah make me normal or at least make me attracted to women, but so far nothing has changed, worse my desire for sex with men is only growing every day, and i am desperate.
I tried having sex with a girl of my age hoping for a miracle, but it was a disaster and a humiliation as i didn’t have an erection, worse i was disgusted.
Every day for me is a torture, i can’t to the mosque cause i feel dirty and guilty for having such thoughts in Allah ‘s house, i feel like everyone around me knows, or that the angels are watching me , and i am ashamed of what god might think of me.
I don’t have male friends, i felt in love with both of my two previous best friends when i was 14 and 17.
I am lonely, miserable and desperate. Every night i close my eyes i find myself hoping not to wake up the next day.
And i have so many questions in my mind :
Why did god make people gay but forbids homosexual intercourse ?
Why did is god punishing me like that?
Is God punishing my dad?
Why isn’t Allah answering my prayers?
How am i supposed to leave like this?
How can i have kids if can’t even have an erection with a girl?
What if i loose it?
My faith is shaking i don’t wanna go to hell. I would kill myself to end this but i would go to hell too.
Help me please, i don’t understand, give some answers.
PS: I know that some imams can’t accept the fact that people are born gay or think that homosexuality is a choice but i can assure you in my case it’s not, i would have never chosen that.
Dear Rafiq (name changed),
The first thing you should do is to get rid of your guilt. This is not possible as long as you believe in Islam. You have to understand that God will not send humans to hell. This whole idea is a lie. There is nothing you can do that is offensive to God. Of course if you hurt other people then I assume there may be consequences. If there is an afterlife, there must also be some justice. But God will not punish people for believing or not believing or for any other reason, especially for their sex life. If God exists, he cannot be so petty.
We humans, compared to God are infinitely smaller than ants are to us. Can an ant do anything that could offend you to such an extent that you may want to burn her? Can a cat that is much closer to us do anything that you would want to burn him? Of course this is silly. You’d be crazy if you could be offended by an ant or a cat and want to punish them. This belief that God will punish and reward people for their beliefs or for their sexual activities is attributing insanity to God. If God exist, this belief is blasphemy.
Don’t believe in that lie. Don’t believe in Islam and anything Muhammad said. He was a psychopath who wanted to have control over people’s lives and their thoughts. Fear is the tool of domination for psychopaths.
Once you get rid of your belief in Islam and your irrational guilt about your sexuality, more than half of your problems will be solved. This guilt is the killer. Get rid of it. If you still think Muhammad was a prophet of God, read my book and you will be convinced that he was a mentally sick man. He was a pathological liar.
Now as for you being a gay, of course living in an Islamic country makes your life very difficult. This is not something that can be changed overnight. For attitudes to change, Muslims must leave Islam.
Also no one knows why some people become gay. Some say it is genetic. I don’t believe that it is genetic because if it were so, it would have become extinct millions of years ago. Since homosexuals generally don’t procreate, a homosexual gene would not have passed to future generations.
An ancient poet called Sappho wrote about love between women in 600 BC in the Islands of Lesbos, a district in Greece. Although most of her her poems are destroyed, the legend has it that because all the men in the Island were massacred, women turned to each other for love and sex.
It is a fact that adults who have never had sexual feelings for same sex can develop it. Despite this evidence those who want to live in self-deception insist that homosexuality is genetic. The women of Lesbos, the Lesbians, prove them wrong. But how can you convince someone who prefers lies to truth?
There are many movies and literature that actually promote homosexuality. When I had a TV and used to waste my time in front of that box I saw several movies that were clearly promoting homosexuality to heterosexual women as a form of liberation from their abusive marital life. Today they teach it in schools. This is the Left’s agenda to destroy the family.
Despite this brazen propaganda to promote homosexuality, homosexuals deny categorically that homosexuality is a learned behavior. It is kind of like Islam being a religion of peace. On one hand Muslims promote jihad and murder people and on the other hand they insist that it is the religion of peace.
When lies take over our lives, truth is always the casualty. To silence the critics of Islam or of homosexuality they label people with derogatory adjectives such as Islamophobic and homophobic. Both these terms are devised to silence any discussion about Islam and homosexuality. You can never find the truth under tyranny of thoughts.
Many factors contribute to the development of homosexual attractions. Same-sex attraction is the result of a complex interaction of personality, biological inheritance, and developmental experiences.
Homosexuality is often the symptom of deeper inner psychological conflicts. For example, a girl may lose her mother at a very young age. She may feel a void in her for maternal love. She may feel attraction to other women to fulfill this void and that attraction is erroneously expressed in a sexual way. This may provide instant intimacy and gratification but leaves the underling cause unsatisfied.
Also boys need to create a strong bond with their father. If the relationship is not ideal, emotional scars are created that affect their identity, including their sexual identity. Often people growing up in dysfunctional families are not aware of it because that is the only model they know.
These emotional struggles can be rejection, abuse, lack of self-steam, confusion in gender identity or fear. However, often people who have sexual problems can’t recognize this and hide the real issue and deny it. The need may not be sexual at all and the solution is also not sexual.
In my opinion homosexuality is formed through classical conditioning. Pavlov’s experiment may explain it. If an individual is conditioned to respond when a neutral stimulus (in the case of homosexuality, someone of the same sex) is presented along with a stimulus of some significance (in this case, sexual pleasure) the individual will link the two together and may be aroused by objects that are not sexually meaningful, such as a person of the same sex.
This association can take place at any age. But like all conditional responses, the younger the person the stronger will be the link between the stimulus and the response.
Animals can also be conditioned. In fact the experiment was first performed by Pavlov on his dog. Just as a dog can salivate by hearing a bell ringing, something that has nothing to do with food, a person can feel aroused by anything, including someone of their own sex if that thing is linked to sexual pleasure, love or romantic feeling. This explains also fetishism and why someone can be sexually aroused by a woman’s shoe or a piece of her apparel. It is the connection that the individual makes in his head that makes the fetish sexually significant. Animals can become homosexual – for the same reason we human become homosexual.
Sadly, the subject of homosexuality has become a taboo. No one can study it objectively. On one hand we have Muslims who think gay people should be killed and that is the end of the story and on the other hand westerners believe any objective discussion of homosexuality is homophobia and bigotry. The result is perpetual suffering for countless innocent souls. Humans are stupid creatures.
Can a gay person develop sexual attraction for a person of the opposite gender? There are many who claim to have done it. It might be difficult but not impossible. It must be done gradually. I have read also stories of people who claim they had no sexual feeling for the persons of the same sex and developed that feeling later in life. One gay person who wrote in the forum of Faithfreedom.org, several years ago, said he was not gay at all. He started watching gay porn for laughter and gradually became curious and interested until he fantasized and then acted upon it.
If what this person said is true and if the stories of gay people who have become heterosexual are true then it must be possible for a gay person to develop sexual feelings for the opposite sex and effectively recover.
The recovery will be easier if you don’t entertain sexual fantasies with another man. Every time you fantasize, your attraction to men become stronger. Instead, if you fantasize about women, you gradually will feel attracted to them. Brain is a powerful tool. You are what you think. Think what you want to be and you will be it.
It is a sure thing that life for you in an Islamic country is not going to be easy. If you can migrate to a non-Muslim country you will have a much better chance to live a happy life. Another thing you must do is to get rid of your guilt. This guilt is the main killer. It is a false guilt. God will never punish you for being a gay. If He is God, he will love you just the way you are. You are not committing any crime or sin and your thoughts are not disgusting. Don’t let false beliefs destroy your life. You are in control of your thoughts. You can stop believing in a false religion and liberate yourself from its yoke.
There are three things that I suggest you should do.
1- Get rid of your belief in Islam because it is a lie and get rid of your false guilt. That false guilt torments you more than anything else.
2- Try to migrate to a non-Muslim country by all means.
3- Slowly, try to awaken in you the sexual attraction towards women. If one guy can develop attraction for men by watching gay porn, maybe the reverse is also true and you can develop attraction for women by watching them in a sensual way. If homosexuality is caused by classical conditioning, which is what I believe, then one may be able to reverse it by the same process by changing the stimulus. This process may be slow. Don’t expect result overnight. The process must be pleasurable. Don’t force yourself. Watch the faces and the bodies of nude women in erotic poses and discover their beauty. Do it slowly and regularly until you start seeing them sexually appealing. You may pleasure yourself at the same time envisioning having sex with them. What you want to do is connect the part of your brain that is aroused by sexual pleasure to women and their bodies. Your brain neurons must create new connections linking women with eroticism. Avoid watching porn that involves men even if that is a heterosexual act.
You tried to sleep with one woman and it was a disaster. That is because it was too much at once. You have to do this slowly without any pressure for performance. Do this alone first and once you start feeling attraction to women, find a girlfriend, explain your struggle to her and you’ll find that she will be more than happy to help you.
You may never be able to get rid of your homosexual feelings. Don’t try it because it does not work and it will cause you frustration. It is fine if you feel attracted to men. Accept yourself as you are and be in peace with yourself. Just don’t act upon it and don’t engage in fantasizing about men. I may find many women attractive, but this does not mean I should act upon my feeling.
There is an old Chinese story I mentioned before about a young student going to his master complaining about his handicaps and telling him how he has tried and has failed to overcome them. His master draws a line on the ground and says if you can make this line shorter, without erasing it or covering it, you will be able to overcome your flaws. The student thinks and thinks and finally gives up saying this is one of those puzzles that has no solution. His master says, it has, watch carefully. He then draws another much longer line next to it and says, look, isn’t the first line shorter? The moral of the story is that instead of striving to overcome what you perceive as flaws in you, ignore them and instead work on other areas of your life and make them stand out. Your flaws may never go away, but they become insignificant in comparison to your strengths. Eventually, when you draw many longer lines, they become invisible.
I am of the opinion that homosexuality is a disorder, not unlike eating disorder. Some people are more prone to be obese than others. But this is not a determining factor. Obese people can overcome their eating disorder and have a normal body. It takes more work and more awareness for them than it takes for someone who has no problem with food.
Don’t commit suicide. Even if you never get rid of your homosexuality, you can live a happy and fulfilling life by getting rid of your guilt and by migrating to a non-Muslim country. You can take these two steps easily. In Nigeria, go and live in Christian areas and befriend non-Muslims.
Strive to excel in what you can be good at. It may be a profession or a vocation and serve humanity in that capacity. If you can discover heterosexual attraction, fall in love with a woman and form a family that would be great. If you can’t, it is also fine. Many great people, like Socrates, Leonardo Da Vinci and Michael Angelo were gay. You can be gay and have a very fulfilling life.
There are sites that can help. This is a good one with sound advices.
Wish you all the best