Dear Ali Sina,
thank you for all you are doing to bring truth to the world. I really admire your work.
I am desperate and don’t know what to do, I was hoping maybe you can give me some advice.
I am married to a Muslim man from Egypt, we are living in Egypt, but are supposed to be moving to Qatar, because he found a job there. He is a great man, interested in meditation, science and psychology, that is why I never understood how can he believe in Islam. He said he did question it long ago, researched all religions and decided it was the best. I really can’t wrap my head around this, and when I mention things like marriage to Aisha he never says anything. He once recommended to me Yusuf Estes and when I listened to his arguments on relationship with Aisha it was ridiculous and also he lied. I also tried to listen to miracles of the Quran and when he started by miracle of the Quran is that so many people know it by heart I just couldn’t go through it. My husband says that if I read Quran I would believe, I have read only 3rd of it and I was sick, but he says that if I finished it it would be different. From what I read sounds like it only gets worse so I don’t understand how can he say it. At the same time he says i couldn’t understand it because I don’t speak Arabic. so what’s the point of trying?
Anyway I don’t want to take too much of your time. He is not forcing me to convert, I love him very much, we have fun we both want the same things, my only problem is freedom. It feels really small and shallow and sometimes I think I shouldn’t care, but it really bothers me. I have to ask if i want to go out and I can’t visit friends at their home if their husband is there. I’m not even doing it that often but the fact, that I have to ask makes me so angry. I have to dress modestly, but luckily I can wear short sleeve clothes but of course not to tight, I have to cover my legs and even though I never used to wear short skirts or trousers it really bothers me that I can’t. The same with make up, I don’t use it, but fact that I can’t upsets me.
We recently had a big fight and it led to him saying that he want’s a divorce. I already told my parents. Today we had another fight and he said he can’t accept atheist and if I want I can be a christian but he can’t be with atheist. The fight was basically about the fact that when I visited my country (Poland) I couldn’t visit my friend because her husband, whom I went to school with was there.
I have sent him emails with what I think about Islam with link to your page and book Why am I not a Muslim, I’m sure he didn’t even consider reading it. He sent me links to Gary Miller’s talks on nature of belief and history of religion. It didn’t make sense to me at all, but maybe I’m not deep and spiritual. Nothing moved him. He said his brother wants to meet me and he can answer all my questions I said I have no questions and he said then he doesn’t know how to work our problem out.
He said there is no truth outside religion and I think anything wrong about Islam he rejects automatically. he claims my research on Islam was wrong, I should go to experts not people who read couple of books and think they know everything. I told him I’ve read debates with scholars.
Basically, I want to know is there any hope he will ever see the truth or is he a hopeless case, you have experience with all sorts of Muslims. Is my choice divorce or accepting his conditions? I really don’t want to loose him. I always hope he will get a dream where his friend – guru or his dead father will tell him to leave. So far no luck
I would appreciate any advice, I have to make decision really soon.
Your husband is a typical “moderate” Muslim. They know nothing about Islam but are convinced of it.
Now you feel trapped and complain you don’t have freedom. Things will become worse in time. When you marry a Muslim it is like stepping into quicksand. You sink slowly and gradually until you are completely trapped. As time passes, you sink deeper until you lose all your freedom, your identity and even your personhood. Like a boa constrictor that squeezes his prey inch by inch until the hapless prey can no longer breath, a Muslim takes away your freedoms one by one, by hook or by crook until you completely subdued.
He knew you were an atheist when he married you and now he is telling you he can’t accept it. This man is a manipulator, a deceiver and a liar. Muslims are the most liberal, open minded people when you meet them at first, but gradually they keep suffocating you and taking away all your freedom. The more you give in the more they demand. It happens gradually. I have explained the mind of the Muslim in my book. They are psychopaths because they follow a psychopath.
Marriage should be based on mutual love. This man is already telling you that he wants divorce. What is keeping you in that marriage? Assuming he wants to blackmail you. Isn’t that worse? Love is born out of freedom, not out of coercion.
You did not say anything about children, which I assume you still don’t have any. That is a great blessing. Leave this man and start all over again. Once you become pregnant you may as well forget your freedom. Your life will be pretty much over. Your biological life will continue but your happiness will be over.
You may not care about your own life and happiness and may prefer slavery to independence. That is your prerogative and choice. But you have no right to destroy the lives of your future children. Just as this man is controlling you now he will control your children and particularly your daughter(s). He will brainwash them, take away their freedom and reduce them into zombies, like all other Muslims — bereft of love, devoid of humanity and filled with hate, or torn apart and confused.
The more you stay in this relationship the more you lose your freedom and your identity. Gradually, there will be left nothing of you but an empty shell. He will suck out your vitality and your soul. This is true even if you are a man married to a Muslim woman, but for a woman married to a Muslim man it is a lot worse.
It is clear that the love you have for this man is not reciprocated. Muslims are incapable of loving. The greatest joys in life and what gives meaning to our existence is love. Muslims are taught from childhood that they should not love. That love is a form of attachment. They are incapable of loving even their own children. Muslims are obsessed with their religion. Their soul is snatched away from them. They look like humans, walk and talk like humans and go through all human motions and emotions, but there is no love, no human soul in them.
In my book, Understanding Muhammad and Muslims, I explained in detail the cultic thinking and why Islam is a cult. Cultists lose their humanity. They become husks, without souls, much like zombies. If you read (or watch on Youtube) about cults you will realize Muslims are cultists. Banish any hope of creating a meaning and loving relationship with them.
Today, you feel pressured. You complain about losing your freedom. It is because you still remember the taste of freedom. You still have hope that things may improve for the better, and even expect miracles to happen such as your husband’s father may appear to him in a dream telling him Islam is a lie. He probably can’t. If he was a true Muslim he would be in Hell. Muslims will go to hell not because they worship Allah, a figment of the sick mind of a psychopath, but because their hearts is filled with hatred of all mankind. God does not care about our beliefs, but if you don’t have love in your heart, you can’t enter Paradise.
As time goes by, you will lose you hopes. You will stop dreaming. You will surrender and let go. When your hopes are gone and your dreams are dead, you too will become a lifeless shell.
Marriage with a Muslim is a mistake. This man does not love you because he does not know how to love. Muslims don’t know love. They know attraction, lust, infatuation, attachment, but not love.
Love is unconditional. The God of Christians loves them unconditionally. A Christian does not have to do anything to feel he is loved. He knows he is loved because he is, just like a baby who knows he is love because he is. A baby does not have to do anything to earn his parents’ love When you feel loved you will love yourself and when you love yourself you can love others. The god of Islam is a god of fear. Muhammad said not even he was sure what would happen to him after his death. You are not loved for who you are but you have to earn points in order to get rewards and you never know whether the points you have collected are enough. Allah is also whimsical. He can forgive sinners and send pious people to hell and “he does not care.”
Because the love of Allah is conditional, Muslims live in a constant state of fear. To receive Allah’s acceptance they must detach themselves from all things including their love for their children, their love for parents, and their spouse.
Since we are all born humans and have human feelings, it is natural for us to love others. Jesus said we can love God by loving others because God is in people. That is the premise of Matthew 25: 35-40. A Muslim who wants to express his love to others will face cognitive dissonance. When he loves another human he feels he is betraying his god. He will therefore resist the temptation of loving others. All forms of love, to a Muslim, even the love for one’s children, are attachments, tests that deter him from loving his deity.
The Islamic site messageinternational.org explains the meaning of pure submission giving the example of Abraham (Ibrahim). It says that to test Ibrahim’s faith Allah asked him to sacrifice his son. “Why?” the author explains, “So that he would leave inside of him nothing of attachment except to Allah. That is what we must do —kill our drives, volitions, desires, and our love – nullify everything but Allah. You and I need to annihilate the demons inside of us, and the evil inclinations that we sometimes disguise and claim as beautiful intentions. But they are ugly inclinations of the self.”
These are the lessons Muslims are taught since childhood. These lessons kill the humanity inside them. That is why it is so easy for them to sacrifice their children, send them to become martyrs or honor-kill them.
Love in Islam is a form of attachment to this world. Muslims are encouraged to detach themselves from all human love and only love Muhammad and his alter ego, Allah. “But you prefer the worldly life, while the Hereafter is better and more enduring.” (87:16-17)
That is a crucial point. A Christian will feel closer to God when he loves others because he sees God in everyone. A Muslim feels guilty when he loves others.
In most parts of the world people, whether Christian or not, celebrate Valentine Day to express their love, friendship and appreciation of each other. For Muslims this expression of love is a sin. The Islamic site islamqa.info/en/73007 gives the ruling of several Muslim scholars in regards to this day who state why it is haraam to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
A certain Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen was asked about it and he replied, “celebrating Valentine’s Day is not permissible for a number of reasons.”
1- It is an innovated festival for which there is no basis in Islam.
2- It promotes love and infatuation.
3- It calls for hearts to be preoccupied with foolish matters that are contrary to the way of the righteous salaf (may Allaah be pleased with them).”
Note how he bundles love and infatuations together. It is because he does not know the difference. Promotion of love is a sin in Islam. In Islam you can either love God or love people. The more you love people, the less love is left for God.
Muhammad was a narcissist and all he cared was that people love him. Allah was an excuse. He said, “None of you truly believes until I am more beloved to him than his child, his father and all the people.” [Muslim: 1: 71] If a Muslim gives in to his natural instinct and loves you, he will feel guilty. He will do everything possible to kill his love for you, or even his children, in order to prove that he loves Muhammad more.
If you want a Muslim spouse, forget love. A Muslim does not know love and even if they did they would feel cognitive dissonance by expressing their love to you. When you marry a Muslims be prepared for a loveless life.
Now, if you have any love for yourself, my advice to you is to take advantage of the offer for divorce and leave him. As long as you don’t have children, no harm is done. Count this as experience and move on. If you have children, I still think you and your children would be better off without a Muslim husband/father who cannot love. And if you think you will be able to save him, I am afraid you are only deluding yourself. He does not want to be saved. Instead of pulling him out of this quicksand, he will pull you into it.
Leave him now, the sooner the better. The more you waste your time the more opportunities you miss. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Pack and return to your country today. Once out of his reach and harm file for divorce.
One caveat! Once you file for divorce he will suddenly change. He will apologize profusely and even cry, shed an ocean of crocodile tears saying how he misses you and how he cannot live without you. Don’t fall of that trap. He can’t love you or anyone. He is only feeling for himself. If you return, this time he will make it harder for you to escape to freedom. Muslims men are jailers. They want to trap you and to own you. They don’t even know the meaning of love.
Once you leave him and if he still wants you back you can then blackmail him to leave Islam. I am afraid this is the language Muslims speak and understand.
He told you to talk to his brother who will answer all your questions and you said you have no questions. Accept the challenge and tell him that you appoint me to ask the questions on your behalf and if his brother or any Muslim scholar of his choice can answer me, you will convert to Islam. Not only that, if that Muslim scholar can answer my questions I will donate $50,000 to him and a similar amount to that scholar. He asked you to read Estes’ book. He has been invited to debate me by several people. Ask your husband to invite him. If he accepts and manages to refute me, I double my offer for him. So your husband will get $50 k for convincing Yusuf Estes to debate me and Estes will get $100 k. I can tell you what will happen. Estes will not accept, not even for a million dollars. It is because this man knows he is a liar. Not only will he not get a dime he would make a fool of himself too. I get a lot of offers from Muslims who know nothing about Islam to debate me, but the so called scholars won’t debate me even when I offer to pay them.
There are Muslims who are just ignorant and there are those who are willfully ignorant. You can never convince the latter.